His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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