Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
