My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
