I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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