Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
