After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
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