Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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