omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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