Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
