Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We left an ass print on the piano.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
