I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
