I have demons in me.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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