The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
