This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
