Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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