I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
