That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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