Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Who died my cat blue again?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
