Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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