I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
