we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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