Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
