roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
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