He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
