hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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