and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
