There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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