New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
