remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
