god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
