So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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