Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.