Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
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Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo