omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
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