is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
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They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
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I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also, beer. Big fan.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes