I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You ruined the universe
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
