we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Randomize
