Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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