Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
