A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
All I want is dick and wine.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
