Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
