shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
