I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
