So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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