My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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