After last night, I could never be a politician.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
