here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
