Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
