he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
