WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
The uberlube is also flammable
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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