I wanna bring you to show and tell
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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