and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize