she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
