That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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