So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
