Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
