I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
