i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
