Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
