Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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