Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
