The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
he laminated a picture of his dick.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You dont lie about slip and slides
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
