I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
