i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
