Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
